11 May 2013

Rattlesnake Outtake

Original post to LinkedIn Poets:

~ Diamondback ~
It does not come in front of me
no that would be nice
but it doesn't think twice
for it sneaks up from behind
aims for my back
when it plans it's attack
It doesn't give you a chance
but that's part of it's dance
Before it does battle
it loves to show off and
rattle & rattle then tattle
I stop and move not my feet
and I hold my breath
for it's about to strike
and cause my death
but the great spirit intercedes
and does a kind deed
for my ancestor sends forth
a hawk to pick up rattlesnake
for the hawk at the last second
grabs it with his talons
and gives it a good shake
then swiftly flies with it away
and drops the evil snake
into a canyon deep, tonight
I know that I shall have
sweet dreams
after I fall

by bonnie j. flach (c)
posted 5-9-2013

My response: I was bothered that your poem kind of rhymed, but mostly didn't; so I reworked your poem. I hope you're not offended. 

Rattlesnake Outtake
10 May 2013

It does not come in front.
No, that would be nice.
It doesn't think twice
About sneaking to hunt
Aiming for my back
When it plans to attack.
It doesn't give me a chance,
But that's part of the dance.
Before it does battle,
It loves to show off,
Shake its tail and rattle.
I stop, not daring to cough,
Just shaking in my shoes.
I'm holding my breath
For it's about to choose
And cause my death.
But the great spirit intercedes
And initiates timely deeds.
My ancestor sends out
A hawk to pick up the rattlesnake.
With a last-second rout
The hawk gives it a good shake.
Then with the serpent
In his talons, swiftly flies away
For the evil snake's descent,
Dropped into a deep canyon's bay.
Tonight I know that I
Shall have sweet dreams,
Enjoying my shut-eye,
Protected by spirit teams.